Ask Amy: her aunt wonders how to advise her niece about marriage


Dear Amy: I'm near my niece, who recently got engaged. Her boyfriend now had the advantage, saying he did not really believe in marriage. She too was in the front row, saying that if she ever wanted to buy a house, her name would not have gone on a mortgage if they had not been married. Not that she would have broken up with him – she would have stayed, but she would have wanted a lease rather than put her name on the mortgage.

Recently, he seriously engaged in the purchase of a house and my nephew clung to his guns: either he marries or signs a lease. He proposed.

Now he says his grandparents must be at the wedding. But they are almost 5,000 miles away and too old to fly, so he insists on getting married where their grandparents live.

Amy, my niece's father has advanced Parkinson's and can not even travel that far. In addition, 98 percent of both their immediate families are excluded from the marriage held in this remote location because they can not afford to get there.

I think it's passive-aggressive due to my granddaughter's refusal to put her name on a mortgage without being married. This business of excluding his father and depriving his entire family from marriage is unreasonable.

I think he's creating obstacles on purpose because he does not really want to get married.

My niece asked me for advice. She really loves him and wants to marry him, but she sees him as a stalemate on the spot – I see a reluctant groom.

What should I say?

Aunt worried

Aunt worried: My perspective on this couple is that they use negotiation, rather than consent, to advance their relationship. I do not think it's extremely rare. However, if this is the way they operate and communicate, your niece must be prepared for future stalls, especially with regard to the big life events that are already stressful. They talked about having children, how to share their expenses or problems of future assistance that have to do with their parents?

The choice of her boyfriend does not seem to honor her family relationships. In fact, unless he can suggest or accept a compromise, his choice seems hostile.

Fortunately for you, this does not concern you directly. When your nephew asks you for advice, you may be honest and circumspect and say, "You two seem to see this as a stalemate on your wedding venue, but I see it's bigger than this. You've already had your premarital counseling. ?

Dear Amy: Recently I received a postcard from the sheriff's department stating that a neighbor is a "registered sexual transgressor".

The notification says that his crime was committed 30 years ago and that he failed to register properly when he moved here. It does not indicate where the original crime occurred.

I've been close to him for several years in our community, and I've always felt like a pretty nice guy, even if I do not know him well. I do not feel threatened by him.

We waved and exchanged a "Hello" yesterday for the first time since I received the notice. I assume he knows that all his neighbors have received it.

I hate to show my ignorance, but what, if anything, has changed with the receipt of that postcard?

Wondering fog

Neighbor asking: What has changed is your awareness that your neighbor has committed a crime against another person 30 years ago.

You can learn everything that is legally permitted by using the sexual harassment database to search for your neighbor's records. My research reveals that there are different designations and "risk level determinations" assigned to sexual offenders.

In my state, a person at the lowest risk level will receive the name removed from the database after 20 years. Your neighbor may have committed a more serious crime to still be listed. The database could reveal specific details of his crime.

The postcard notification is specifically designed to inform people, so you can then decide for yourself about a relationship with this person in your community. So, after doing some research, the rest is up to you.

Dear Amy: As a survivor of two suicides in my family, I want to thank you for your nuanced answer to "Anxious", the mother who wanted to tell her young daughter about her grandfather's suicide. I agree that the daughter should (if necessary) be told, but this couple must absolutely face it together.


Grateful: Thank you.

© 2018 by Amy Dickinson distributed by the Tribune Content Agency


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