People with a regular job should never participate in reality shows: they are weak and foolish stocks that are better suited to nine to five hours in a windowless office than to the glamorous world of garish palaces equipped with TV cameras.
The only careers that can be had if you intend to appear on one are: Influencer. Business owner. BMX pilot. Tattooist. Girl juice blender.
If your occupation is listed above, you are safe and in control of your destiny. Wise move, girl juice blender. If you have a regular job and still have the courage to enter that tacky house, you are playing with fire.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelorette episode 1
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelorette episode 2
Noosa's adviser Jess Glasgow was burned this week. In just two episodes of The Bachelorette, presented for the first time on Wednesday, his behavior bothered the nation and prompted everyone to cover their bodies with Dettol hand sanitizer.
"I don't mind if I get wandering fingers, okay?" She smiled at Bachelorette Angie Kent Thursday night during a photo shoot challenge before she grinned, "Damn, I'll be the first person who'll be able to ride" when asked to sit on his back as part of the task. "Shit, I bet it's turned on. She's ready for that," he hesitated later.
He did a lot of other things that made everyone shudder and, all stacked together, it was too much and Australia called it a thrill. In just two hours of reality TV, Jess managed to ruin her reputation and damage her career. The mayor of Noosa Tony Wellington even asked Cr Glasgow to resign.
This is the first time we see someone with a regular professional career going to a reality show and experiencing extreme fallout. When all those Married at first sight the girls go out and get angry for the producers who modify them to look bad, we raise our eyes to the sky. Public outrage is not detrimental to their flourishing careers as influencers, but actually improves it. Take the receiving part of an attempt at suffocation before lightly frosting the attacker like MAFS star Martha and your career skyrocket. The drama is positive. Thanks to the drama of the reality show, influencers have much easier than former influencers.
But if you are a teacher or a doctor or a politician like our cramped friend of Noosa, you're really playing with fire. Not since Salim Mehajer closed the streets of Lidcombe for his enchanting wedding with a bogan, a local councilor took so much heat.
Jess has done several disturbing things The Bachelorette but he was also an easy target and the producers sniffed his naivety on reality TV a mile away. He's a 37-year-old political nerd from Noosa, not exactly the key demo for these shows. He probably had no idea how the machine worked. And how exactly does it work? Basically producers encourage and enforce bad behaviors and then transmit your worst moments and then we turn on all our hashtags and chase you through Twitter feeds all over the country for our personal enjoyment. It is an event of the Colosseum today, but with better snacks and more blood.
Jess acted like a total sneer and scared everyone, and now his entire life has been destroyed by a couple of hours of mounted television. If he had been an influencer, he probably would have gotten a sponsorship deal with a laser teeth whitening company. The reality that makes one think of reality TV.
Can you collect the pieces? Well, we are all focused on the silver coatings in this column, so there is a possibility that it will take advantage of the reputation that will remain after The bachelor and run with it. Your next campaign slogan? "Relax in Noosa."
THE INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLE HOUSES OF THE REAL
The life of a real is not the pinnacle of luxury, whatever it thinks it is. We saw this in person this week when Prince Harry invited us to Princess Eugenia's shack.
He was confused. Harry filmed a video with Ed Sheeran to promote World Mental Health Day and, according to reports, the location of the clip was inside Ivy Cottage, Eugenie's pad on Kensington Palace grounds. It was a pit.
Well, it wasn't exactly a bunch of trash, but it wasn't very impressive. The interior looked like the interior of your nan's villa in the resting village.
And why didn't Harry get us into his newly renovated Frogmore Cottage? Probably because we would all judge him and then we would all agree on how OTT glam is and then comment on taxpayer dollars. He knows us too well.
But we are the last of his problems. She probably didn't want her ratbag cousins Eugenie and Beatrice to see the luxurious review that the Queen paid when all she gave them were the little maids' quarters that weren't redecorated since the 1800s. They would have vomited when they saw the suit renewal that Meghan gave to the articulation.
Meghan is a sophisticated lady from the United States. With companions like Amal Clooney and Serena Williams, she would be mortified by the dark, damp rooms of Frogmore – with its small windows and dusty old people's furniture. It was a home for cartoon toads. But not anymore. He probably crossed the ancient roof and installed an impressive skylight. And no doubt that the new Freedom kitchen has all the bells and whistles. I bet he also comes with a breakfast bar.
The queen would not have bought Eugenie and Beatrice a breakfast bar at all.