# The Cognitive Effects of Relationship Loss
Relationships form through memories filled wiht emotion and images. When a relationship ends, we might wonder why our thoughts seem cloudy. Loss and grief from many circumstances can cause cognitive disruptions such as fuzzy thinking, intrusive images, repetitive thoughts, or problems with attention and memory (McNally, 2003; Peace & Porter, 2004). These cognitive issues may result from an interaction between thinking and emotion that temporarily affects concentration (O’Connor & McConnell, 2018). During the first weeks or months of mourning a relationship, mental confusion can appear as distractibility, forgetfulness, and a lack of clarity or focus (Shuchter & Zisook, 1993).
Thoughts frequently enough sustain a relationship in our minds, even when doing so seems irrational or misguided.Reminiscing about joyful or exciting moments shared with someone no longer in our lives can be bittersweet. It can be challenging and sometimes painful. Even those who consider themselves emotionally strong or resilient can feel helpless due to the cumulative effects of grief on their mental and emotional health (Shuchter & Zisook, 1993).
Memory Templates
Based on our past experiences, we expect some level of predictability in many areas of our lives. By creating scripts-memory templates-our memory system uses redundancies to shape our expectations about events (Laney, 2013; Tomkins, 1995). The scripts that once provided details about a current situation may no longer be relevant in loss-related circumstances,even if our brain still tries to use them. Difficult situations occur when memory templates associated with positive feelings can’t be recreated as the person involved is no longer present. The loss of a loved one leaves us in limbo: we have a collection of positive experiences that we can’t revisit now or in the future. We might know our loved one is now unreachable, but our memory system needs time to adjust to this new reality.
Losing Ourselves
Relationships act as a guiding force through life’s changes. When we face a critically important loss, we may lose ourselves, questioning our path, identity and sense of self.How we grieve the loss of a relationship depends more on how we experience and process our memories than on their accuracy (Bonanno, 2010). We do not mourn the facts or precise details of our relationship with someone no longer in our lives; instead, our grief focuses on what we remember about the bonds we shared with them (Bonanno, 2010).
In the initial weeks and sometimes months after losing a loved one, people often experience feelings of “losing something” or find themselves searching for something they believe is lost. They may “lose” important items like car keys or