Are you dreading Thanksgiving? Are you anticipating casual conversations becoming dicey once the wine is uncorked? Do you envision arguments about politics no matter how many times you’ve requested these discussions be off-limits? Are you holding your breath, just waiting for criticisms that hit below the belt? Have you been thinking that family gatherings feel obligatory and stressful?
If your answer to any of these questions is “Yes,” I have a suggestion: Why not try a new approach?
First,I want to tell you that,since people often behave in patterns,it’s not unreasonable for you to worry that this year’s get-together might be a painful déjà vu.But anticipating that you are going to be miserable because you can predict how people will act and react is problematic in and of itself.
Why? When we anticipate dire outcomes, we inadvertently behave in ways that signal our beliefs. Such as, if you think someone might not be too happy to see you when you arrive, you might dial down your enthusiasm in seeing him or her. You might be tentative or even cool when your eyes meet, or even avoid greeting that person entirely.
Consequently, that person might think, “Oh, I wonder why I am getting the cold shoulder,” or, “It’s fairly clear that I just got slighted. That’s rude.” And based on those thoughts, this person might, in turn, be unfriendly, unwelcoming, or even snarky.
You see, our expectations dictate our actions, and our actions-even subtle ones-trigger responses in others. Hence, the self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s why telling yourself that this Thanksgiving is going to be nothing more than a repeat performance of last year’s unhappy gathering is not a good way to kick off the season?
What’s the alternative? Here are 4 ways to create a Thanksgiving you will want to emulate next November.
1. Act “As If.”
As the self-fulfilling prophecy is a real dynamic in our relationships, start by having a vision about what you really would like to be different. In advance of turkey day, ask yourself, “If I were expecting positive outcomes-Aunt Gail being complimentary rather than critical, george staying engaged during the day rather than staring at his phone, Sue sharing more openly about herself rather than being so superficial-how would I behave differently toward them?”
Answer this question as concretely as possible. Such as, if you expected Cousin Sue to be more open with you, would you ask more in-depth questions of her? Would you be more apt to initiate conversation with her? Would you set the tone for more vulnerability in your conversations by sharing somthing heartfelt about your own life? Identify how you would behave differently if you expected positive outcomes.
And then do it: Act as if. Even if you aren’t convinced that your desired outcome is realistic,do an experiment and be the catalyst for change. Tip over the first domino. Act as if and see what happens.
2.Do something different.
In my years of worki