Holiday celebrations bring forced proximity and high expectations, but Portland comedian Ben Harkins offers a pragmatic survival guide in the holiday issue of the Portland Mercury.
Gift-giving to distant acquaintances or difficult relatives requires minimal effort through universal items, Harkins noted.
“Give them a plant,” Harkins told the Portland Mercury.
“You can find plants outside. Plants are easy to find and easy to steal. Give them a plant, whoever they are…. Are they a distant acquaintance hosting a dinner? Have you not spoken in years? Have you never said two words to each other? Whoever they are, don’t come empty handed.”
Giving a botanical gift provides an ambiguous metaphor for relationships and conflict, according to Harkins.
“It grows when you water it,” Harkins told the Portland Mercury. “That’s a metaphor for every relationship. It’s like a simile for every conflict in the known universe. Harkins suggests wielding self-improvement claims like a weapon to deflect intrusive questions from relatives.
“Wine with dinner? No, thanks Dad, I quit boozing two weeks ago,” Harkins told the Portland Mercury, illustrating the tactic. “Just water for me.”
Lengthy cinematic viewing parties offer an effective distraction when conversational topics turn hostile during family gatherings. Harkins points to Peter Jackson’s fantasy epic trilogy as a time-consuming solution for difficult rooms.
“Put on Lord of The Rings (Extended Edition),” Harkins told the Portland Mercury.
“With a screen time of 683 minutes (11 hours and 23 minutes), Lord of the Rings can change the subject all day!”
Escaping crowded rooms for brief walks with trusted relatives or friends restores sanity during stressful holiday events, Harkins added.