“My son is a psychopath, he is 18 years old. Born with encephalopathy, he was treated regularly. I ran away from my husband: he was throwing hysterics. The son played pranks at school, entered the lyceum, but did not want to study. I struggled with it all my years of study. My son has everything: a separate room, a good computer, clothes, quality food, training (tennis, swimming), and he has traveled abroad several times. Now he is studying in college and even receives a scholarship, but he is late for classes every day. He always looks for his own benefit in everything, laughs at people, hates girls and women. Likes to wear nice clothes. He wants to go to university, be rich, have an expensive car and a large apartment. Doesn’t want to do anything around the house. Several times a month he throws tantrums, deliberately pisses me off, mocks me, yells, and can hit me. The neighbors hear everything, but they don’t call the police. The world is not dear to me, my son darkens my life, I don’t love him, but before I loved him so much that I couldn’t leave him – I hugged and kissed him all the time. My life has become a nightmare.” The letter from an sb.by reader was commented on by clinical psychologist Daria Tokareva.
“Your letter contains so much pain, despair and fatigue that it cannot leave anyone indifferent. You have been under emotional and physical stress for a long time, which cannot but affect your condition. The first thing that is important to realize is that you have the right not to love your son. It is very difficult to love someone who disappoints, humiliates and causes fear. When our boundaries are violated, it makes us feel angry and defensive, sometimes through dislike.
Due to severe exhaustion, you cannot take an active position. Most likely, this is why you unconsciously expect help from your neighbors. You are looking for answers to questions, but you still don’t have enough strength to make decisions, much less take action.
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Your son is probably experiencing strong internal tension that he cannot cope with on his own. He is looking for “release” and unleashes his aggression on you. It is important to keep this in mind – not in order to justify your son’s behavior, but in order to understand: the reason is not you.
You tenderly describe how you cared for your son, poured your soul into his upbringing and development of his personality. You are definitely a good mom. Not all patterns that arise from adolescence are the result of incorrect parental actions. The reasons may be biological.
Despite the oppressive situation, remind yourself that you are also a person and your safety is important. Your son is an adult and does not need guardianship. Perhaps your relationship will stabilize a little at a distance. You will be able to exhale, notice your condition and begin to gradually get out of it. Keep in mind that you are now seeing a distorted image of your son because his behavior is causing you a lot of distress. While it is difficult for you to discern the healthy part in your son.
It’s also probably hard for you to let go of your ideas about how he should have grown up. That’s why you are bitterly disappointed. It is worth recognizing that with the onset of adolescence, your son has changed a lot. Try to accept the idea that he has the right to be who he is, to have his own interests and views on life. By giving up illusions, it will be easier for you to accept reality and stop hoping for the opportunity to correct your son. This will save you effort and nerves.
In general, your son’s desires to have a good income and go to university are absolutely normal. The fact that he received a scholarship and continued to study shows a desire for goals and self-discipline. It’s just difficult to see the norm behind the “label” in the form of a diagnosis. Distance can help you rethink your son’s image in terms of his life guidelines. This is not a proposal to justify it, but a proposal to separate the “norm” from the “pathology”.
Now let’s get back to you. You have cared for others for a long time and steadfastly endured difficulties in your family. It’s time to take care of yourself. What are you interested in now? Maybe you have long wanted to learn how to draw, sing, dance, or resume yoga? Sometimes desire comes in the process. In order to find a way out of a crisis situation, it is important to structure your life and introduce a routine into it. You can start small. For example, do yoga for ten minutes, but be sure to do it every day. And then – arrange your life based on your needs, expand your circle of acquaintances, start visiting a psychologist. Remember: you cannot influence your son, but you can try to make your life more comfortable and safer!
“I’m pretty, kind, smart, but I don’t work out with men.” Psychologist’s comment
Dear readers! You have the opportunity to ask questions to practicing psychologists. Competent specialists will give recommendations on how to cope with psychological problems and difficulties. Send questions to barejko@sb.by and read materials tagged “psychology”, “psychologist”.
date: 2026-02-11 18:02:00