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Jess never dreamed that she was going to get sick, nor did she consider what it would meen for her love life if she did. when she first started dating her boyfriend, they were both in their late 20s, living busy, active lives.”Sport was something we did a lot of and we did it together: we worked hard, played hard, we whent for bike rides and went running and played golf together.”
But around a year into their relationship, all that stopped abruptly when Jess was diagnosed with long Covid, the poorly understood syndrome that in some people follows a Covid infection. For her, it meant “a general shutdown of my body: lungs, heart, stomach, really bad brain fog”. She went from being a sporty, autonomous 29-year-old with a successful career to sleeping all day and relying on her boyfriend for everything.
“I couldn’t leave the house, I couldn’t see my friends, so he became my emotional and physical support. I needed him to do everything around the house and bring me things when I couldn’t get out of bed, and he was also my social contact as I wasn’t seeing anyone else.It was an instant dynamic shift,” she says.
Three years on, jess has recovered enough to return to work part-time, though she still struggles with chronic fatigue and spends much of her free time resting. What knocked her for six,though,is that,having nursed her through the worst of it,her boyfriend broke up with her just when she seemed to be getting better.six weeks on from the split, Jess is still struggling to process what happened and why.
“One of my friends did say to me: ‘This is quite savage, but if I was one of his friends I’d be telling him to think twice before proposing to you, because if this lasts for ever then your relationship will be different for ever, and how will your health affect kids and the future? If you struggle to work, how will that affect the responsibility he might have to shoulder?’ It was tough but it’s true,” she says ruefully. “In the end there were a number of reasons for our breakup, but I think it’s hard to not trace almost all of them back to my illness.”
Everyone’s telling me my husband is the same person, but really I’m living with a corpse
Though her friends reassure her that she will find someone else, Jess struggles to imagine how she would describe herself now on a dating app: suffering from a condition with no agreed cure and no settled prognosis, she simply can’t be sure what her future looks like. “Previously I’d say, ‘I love cycling, being outdoors’, but I haven’t been able to do these things for a while. Is it false advertising if I say those are my hobbies? My hobbies currently involve napping on the sofa.”
Tellingly, she knows other long Covid sufferers in similar situations. “You’re going round in circles and thinking: what if I hadn’t been ill? Would we actually have broken up sooner and realised we weren’t co
The strain of Care: When Illness Changes Relationships
The question of whether “for better or for worse” truly lasts is being openly debated, from discussions on podcast episodes to TikTok videos warning of potential abandonment.”As a divorce lawyer I can tell you that when sickness comes a lot of men don’t stick around,” says texas divorce lawyer Lena Nguyen in a popular TikTok post,arguing that many men are accustomed to being cared for,not providing care themselves.
But when the guardian asked readers about their experiences with care within relationships, the responses were varied – ranging from selfless devotion to deep-seated anxiety and resentment.
wendy’s husband, john, suffered a brain injury in a road accident in his mid-40s. While his bones healed, he returned home fundamentally changed, an “impostor” in her eyes. Initially, she attributed the shift to post-surgery stress, but it became clear his personality had altered, and the man she loved was gone. “It’s so hard to explain to people…the whole point is that it doesn’t sound like mine.”
Fifteen years later, john lives largely in the moment, unable to plan or problem-solve. Wendy describes a loss of initiative,everyday tasks becoming challenges,and a rapid temper.A once-successful professional, he was forced to retire. Wendy, now in her late 50s and working as a psychologist, manages all the finances.
Their sex life ceased, and social outings are rare due to John’s sensitivity to overstimulation. For Wendy, it’s like living with a doppelganger.
A new campaign from Cancer Support is shedding light on the frequently enough-overlooked impact of long-term illness on sex and relationships. The charity notes that roughly half of the calls to its helpline relate to emotional issues, rather than the practicalities of treatment or the disease itself.
Liz O’riordan, a breast cancer surgeon, witnessed firsthand how couples navigated arduous diagnoses. Though, it wasn’t until her own diagnosis at age 40, a decade ago, that she fully grasped the profound effect cancer can have on a partnership.
O’Riordan estimates that around a fifth to a sixth of her patients experienced marriage breakdowns following a cancer diagnosis. Determining whether cancer was the sole cause,or simply the final strain on an already fragile relationship,is difficult. However, she observed a concerning trend, especially among younger women, of increased infidelity.
A cancer diagnosis introduces multiple stressors. Financial pressures frequently enough arise if the patient is unable to work, and younger couples may grapple with the impact of treatment on fertility. Perhaps the most challenging aspect to discuss is the effect on intimacy.
Following her surgery, O’Riordan felt self-conscious and avoided intimacy with her husband, Dermot, also a surgeon. “I would get changed in the dark… I would look at the scars and I would say: ‘Don’t touch me, because I don’t find myself attractive,'” she recalls. Despite her husband’s reassurances, she felt responsible for the changes in their relationship, even suggesting he divorce her to “marry a woman with two breasts and a libido.”
Fortunately, Dermot remained steadfast. They are still happily married, and he provides quiet support during their conversation. When O’Riordan began sharing her experiences publicly, she was overwhelmed with similar stories from other survivors. A recurring theme was the impact of drugs used to prevent cancer recurrence, which frequently enough induce early menopause and its associated side effects. “The vaginal dryness, the loss of libido – it is huge,” she says. She also heard accounts of husbands sleeping in separate beds,either fearing causing pain or believing they could “catch” the cancer.
“I think we need to prepare women and their partners because this is going to have a massive impact on their relationship. at a time when you need them most, you either want to push them away or they distance themselves,” O’Riordan emphasizes.
Both O’Riordan and Bell,at Macmillan,stress the importance of open communication for couples facing cancer.”It’s talking and asking: what do you need? How can I help you? and having those conversations around the dinner table, not in the bedroom,” O’Riordan advises.
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The Unexpected Breakups Cancer Brings
A cancer diagnosis changes everything – not just for the person facing the illness, but also for their relationships. While some couples grow closer during this challenging time, others find themselves drifting apart. For many,the strain proves too much,leading to heartbreak on top of an already devastating situation.
Antonia, diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma at 22, experienced this firsthand. Her boyfriend of five years ended their relationship shortly after her diagnosis. Initially, she felt anger and confusion. She wondered if she was too much to handle, if her illness had driven him away. She worried about being a burden.
“I remember thinking, ‘Is this it? Is this how it ends?’ It felt like a double blow – dealing with cancer and losing the person I thought I’d spend my life with,” Antonia recalls. “It’s incredibly isolating.”
However, Antonia’s perspective shifted over time. She began to understand that her ex-boyfriend’s decision wasn’t necessarily about her, but about his own limitations. he wasn’t equipped to handle the emotional and practical demands of supporting someone through cancer treatment. He needed to prioritize his own well-being.
Yet even at the time, she was anxious that her ex shouldn’t get the blame for walking away, a feeling that has only grown. Two years on, in remission from cancer and living happily with her new boyfriend, Antonia is working as a journalist and is an ambassador for the Teenage cancer Trust. Last year,she made a Valentine’s Day video for Macmillan Cancer Support in which she reflected on why she now sees that breakup as for the best: at least it meant she could focus wholly on herself, and getting well.
“I know people who have stayed together throughout the cancer journey, and when they get to the stage where they’re cancer-free, they split up as the person’s so resentful,” Antonia says. “The truth is that the kindest thing someone can do for you is to be honest, saying: ‘I can’t give you what you need – I care enough to let you know that.’ When battling cancer, my focus was: I need to live. Anything else is trivial to me.”
Among the young cancer survivors of both sexes she knows,Antonia thinks it’s the women who are more likely to have been dumped after a diagnosis.”The men just can’t handle it –
Why Relationships Struggle with Cancer
Several factors contribute to these difficult breakups. Cancer introduces immense stress, fear, and uncertainty into a relationship. The healthy partner may struggle with feelings of helplessness,anxiety,and grief.They may also experience a shift in roles, becoming a caregiver instead of an equal partner.This can be overwhelming and lead to resentment.
Furthermore, cancer can change a person’s priorities and outlook on life. Individuals may re-evaluate what they want from a relationship and realize they are no longer compatible with their partner.Physical and emotional changes caused by treatment can also impact intimacy and connection.
Key Takeaways
- A cancer diagnosis considerably impacts relationships, sometimes leading to breakups.
- Breakups aren’t always about the person with cancer; partners may struggle to cope with the demands of caregiving or their own emotional responses.
- Honest communication is crucial.It’s kinder to acknowledge limitations than to stay in a relationship out of obligation.
- Focusing on self-preservation and healing is paramount during cancer treatment.
- It’s common for resentment to build in caregiver roles, even with the best intentions.
FAQ
Q: Is it common to break up during cancer treatment?
A: Yes, unfortunately, it is. While some relationships strengthen, many
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