# Why are my adult children still angry about my divorce?
Georgia says, “I can’t help feeling defensive when my kids tell such a distorted version of our divorce.” georgia doesn’t understand how her adult kids, now in their 30s and 40s, came to see their parents’ divorce so inaccurately. So many years later,they are expressing intense emotions of betrayal,abandonment,and confusion,Georgia says. Why?
Why are my adult children so angry now?
It is indeed possible that they assumed roles in childhood that they shouldn’t have carried.Many become mediators, confidants, or emotional caretakers without realizing it. Their resentment often emerges later. “I didn’t ask them to take on these roles!” Georgia says, defensively. I reassure her that children cope wiht divorce by unconsciously stepping into these roles.
Years later, adult children of divorce may perceive and feel anger about the long-term effects of their parents’ divorce. Divorce can shape their own romantic relationships, attachment patterns, or fears of commitment. Georgia tells me that one of her children avoids commitment, another was married and quickly divorcedand a third is struggling with anxiety and insecurity in her marriage.
“My kids are still anxious if my ex and I are in the same room,even though its been more than 30 years. Sometimes they need to tell me how marvelous my ex is now, compared to how he used to treat them. I feel like they’re still trapped in a loyalty conflict. how can I help them with this?” Georgia wants to feel empathy despite her impatience and defensiveness. I remind her that adult children are often still grieving the family they lost. They can’t just “get over it.”
How to help
- Remember that your adult child’s feelings are not about your worth as a parent. Their grief or anger is about their experience of the divorce and its lasting impact.
- Listen without getting defensive.Validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with their perception of events.
- Avoid the urge to explain or justify your past actions. Focus on understanding their current pain.
- Acknowledge the family loss. Let them know you understand that the divorce changed their lives forever.
- Encourage them to seek therapy if they are struggling. A therapist can provide a safe space to process their emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.