navigating Retirement Gifts to Daughters and Their Partners

Dear Eric: I have two daughters. One is in a long-term marriage with an established career. The other, who has less stable employment, recently moved in with her boyfriend of five years.

I am widowed and elderly. Rather unexpectedly, I find that my income, especially the required minimum distribution from my IRA, exceeds my needs by a substantial amount. So far, the account continues to grow annually by more than the distribution.

Each year, I have been giving the established daughter and her husband each a check. I have been putting money in a retirement account for the other one.

Do I grant son-in-law status to the boyfriend when distributing money? They are in a committed relationship.

The boyfriend is a bit sensitive about money. He’s still struggling to pay off debts from his first marriage. My daughter makes more than he does, and they live in her house. He contributes a set amount financially and does much of the upkeep of the house. He bristles at any suggestion that he is not carrying his own weight financially.If they are going to be a long-term couple, I would like to contribute to a retirement account for him, but don’t want to cause problems.

I don’t feel that I know him well enough to ask.

Any suggestions?

– Retirement Gift

Dear Gift: This is really thoughtful and quite generous.

So, I hope what I write next doesn’t come across as too curt. If you don’t know the boyfriend well enough to ask him if he’d accept the contribution to a retirement account, then don’t. Seriously. You’re right to be sensitive to his feelings, and a direct question could easily backfire.

Instead, talk to your daughter. Explain your desire to help both of her partners secure their financial futures. Ask her if her boyfriend would be open to receiving a gift, and let her be the one to broach the subject. She knows him best and can gauge his reaction. she can also frame it in a way that acknowledges his contributions and avoids any implication that he isn’t financially responsible.

Regarding “son-in-law status,” don’t worry about formalizing it for gift-giving purposes. The key is fairness and consistency. If you continue to treat the boyfriend as a long-term partner once your daughter confirms he’s receptive, that’s what matters. You can contribute to a retirement account for him without needing a legal designation.

remember that your generosity is a gift in itself.Focus on making your daughters and their partners feel loved and supported, and the details of how you distribute your resources will fall into place.

Key Takeaways

• Communicate with your daughter: She is the best person to assess her boyfriend’s feelings and approach the topic of a retirement contribution.
• Don’t directly ask the boyfriend: Given his sensitivity, a direct question could create awkwardness.
• Formal status isn’t necessary: You don’t need to legally recognize the boyfriend as a son-in-law to contribute to his retirement.
• Focus on fairness and consistency: Treat both partners equitably and maintain a consistent approach to gift-giving.