Deciding whether to have children is a complex, life-altering choice that often feels caught between societal expectations and personal uncertainty. Rather than seeking a single “correct” answer through internal introspection, many find clarity by evaluating parenthood through the lens of their core values, long-term personal goals, and the practical realities of their daily lives.
Why the “Internal Search” for Answers Often Fails
Many people approach the decision to become a parent as if the answer is a fixed, buried truth waiting to be discovered. According to advice columnist Sigal Samuel, this “introspective” approach is often flawed because it treats the decision as a stable fact rather than an existential choice. Introspection can lead to an endless cycle of rumination, as there is no clear indicator of when one has searched enough.
Furthermore, as philosopher L.A. Paul suggests, parenthood is a transformative experience. Because the act of becoming a parent fundamentally changes a person’s identity and preferences, it is nearly impossible to accurately predict how one will feel about the role before actually stepping into it. Relying solely on current desires or fears often ignores the fact that your future self may value entirely different things.
How to Use Value Pluralism to Make a Decision
Instead of searching for a hidden feeling, experts suggest framing the choice as an existential one. Value pluralism—the idea that individuals hold multiple, equally valid, and often conflicting values—provides a framework for making a grounded decision.
To apply this, you can:
- Identify your core values: List the principles that drive you, such as creativity, autonomy, or connection.
- Evaluate the path: Ask yourself if having a child is the most effective way to enact those specific values.
- Consider alternatives: Determine if those same values can be fulfilled through other avenues, such as career pursuits, deep friendships, or community engagement.
As noted by author Rhaina Cohen in The Other Significant Others, many people find that deep, non-familial connections can fulfill the human need for intimacy and long-term companionship just as effectively as traditional family structures.
Addressing the Fear of Missing Out
A common driver for parenthood is the fear that life will be empty or regretful in later years without children. However, relying on this fear can lead to decisions based on anxiety rather than genuine desire. Authors Anastasia Berg and Rachel Wiseman, in their book What Are Children For?, argue that while the parent-child relationship is unique, it is not necessarily “extraordinary” or “unimaginable” in a way that excludes other forms of profound human love.
If your primary motivation for having children is to avoid loneliness in old age, consider whether that need can be met through building a strong, intentional network of friends and community.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Ultimately, there is no universal blueprint for the “right” decision. Whether you choose to have children or remain childfree, the goal is to align your choice with the values you hold dear today. By shifting your focus from “finding” an answer to “creating” one, you can make a decision that feels authentic to your life. As existentialist thinkers have long proposed, the task of being human is one of “autofabrication”—the process of defining yourself through the choices you make. By grounding your decision in your own sense of what makes life meaningful, you ensure that your path is one you have intentionally chosen, regardless of how your feelings evolve in the future.