Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years-so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 12-year-old son has not seen his father since we divorced and he moved about seven hours north,11 years ago.Backstory: Both paternal grandparents and all three of his father’s siblings were drug addicts. When I found out that his father was also using drugs, after we had moved across the country to leave behind that toxic situation, I filed for divorce.

When my son was younger, I always explained his father’s absence by saying, “your dad loved you so much but knew he wasn’t able to be a parent. he knew that Mommy loved you and would be able to take care of you always.” This felt like an adequate explanation for a small child, and since he rarely asked questions about his father, I never really went any deeper with it. Now that we are nearing the teen years, I feel like I should give him a more fleshed-out history. I also worry about the genetic predisposition to addiction; from a clinical perspective, this data is necessary for the choices he will be faced with making in the upcoming years.
Should I bring up this history in our conversations about why his father, or anyone else from his father’s family, is not in his life? I’m worried that telling him will make him feel like he is genetically cursed, potentially making drugs more likely.

But I also worry that not saying it will make it seem like it was a shameful secret we tried to bury. He has a dad who’s been in his life since he was 2, a little brother who adores him. Maybe he just isn’t interested in knowing about a family he never knew.

-Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Dear LSDL,

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been divorced from my son’s father as my son was 1. We have shared custody in which my son spends every other weekend, parts of the summers, and school vacations with his father. I have always encouraged his father to spend as much time with him as possible, and there have been very few issues regarding custody.

My son is now 12 and in seventh grade. In our town, he has a choice between two high schools: one that is conventional, and the other is specialized and will teach him a trade. I was curious which school he might like to attend, and he brought up that he’d had this conversation with his father already. Apparently his father and stepmom (who is a foreigner) are encouraging my son to go to a high school in their town and live with them.

This angers me for two reasons. One, his father should have spoken to me about this before bringing it up to our son. I don’t want to get his hopes up only for plans to fall through. Two, my son has lived with me and my husband his whole life. We have raised him to be a competent, respectful, and helpful young man. But like any 12-year-old, he has his faults. I don’t feel like his overly lenient father can provide him the parenting a teenager will require.

How do I broach this conversation with his passive-aggressive father and nosy stepmom? I feel like they are trying to take my son from me.

Help! My Fiancé Wants Me to Cut Back on Working Out. His Reason might make Me call Off the Whole Wedding.

My fiancé recently asked me to scale back my workouts. It wasn’t about my health, or even about spending more time together. His reasoning? He’s worried my fitness level makes him feel insecure.

Honestly, I was floored.I work out for myself – it’s a huge stress reliever and makes me feel strong and confident. I didn’t realize my dedication to fitness was a threat. He said seeing me so focused on my body makes him question his own commitment to health. He feels like he can’t keep up, and it’s creating distance between us.

It’s not like I’m training for a marathon or anything. I typically do a mix of strength training and cardio, about four times a week. It’s a normal, healthy routine. But he’s suggesting I tone it down, maybe switch to yoga or walks, something “less intimidating.”

I tried to explain that my workouts aren’t about him, they’re about me. But he insists it’s impacting our relationship. He says he wants us to be a team, and he feels left behind. It feels incredibly controlling. Why should I change something that makes me feel good just to soothe his ego?

I’m starting to wonder if this is a sign of bigger issues. If he’s already insecure and trying to dictate my choices before we’re even married, what will things be like down the road? I’m seriously questioning whether I can build a future with someone who wants me to dim my light to make himself feel better. Maybe calling off the wedding isn’t such a crazy idea after all.

One might suggest open communication is key. But I’ve tried talking to him, and he just circles back to his own feelings of inadequacy.It’s exhausting. I need a partner who supports my goals, not one who tries to undermine them.